I've had several good days in a row and for that I'm very proud. Unfortunately, today is not one of them. I am bored out of my freaking mind and more ambitious yet discouraged than ever. When I was in college people used to always ask me what I'd do when I only had one job instead of 4 and no school instead of full time school and I never knew the answer. Now that I'm thinking about it, I really should've tried to come up with something because now I'm just bored to death. All I do is sit around and think about things I want to do and yet the motivation is not there. As hard as I'm trying to lose weight and be confident I just get too nervous when I think about actually doing the things I want to do. Going to a cooking class is terrifying to me but I've always wanted to do it. Basically, going out and meeting people is terrifying and I'm so mad because for a while I was making a lot of progress but now it's back to me, my pets and my computer. I want to be around people who are like me in at least one aspect but they're hard to find. The worst part about this weight loss thing is that I always really liked group fitness and now I'm too self conscious to do it. So I'm stuck at home trying to motivate myself and doing the p90x and doing the exercise tv but it just isn't the same. I miss boot camp and want to try cross fit and really miss taking yoga classes but I don't want to be the fat girl. I'm new to this and I don't know how it works and I'm so ANGRY at myself for letting me get to this point. I'm embarrassed. I'm not the girl who ran the marathon or any of those other races. I'm not the girl who plays tennis (which I miss) or swims or even runs at all anymore. I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels. The one thing I am happy about is my job and that's a first. I'm really proud of myself for getting it and for how well (hopefully) I'm doing. I'm learning a lot and trying to keep up and getting things done and then I come home all jazzed but don't know what to do. I don't like working out but I do it. I'm hungry but don't want to eat. I'm tired but don't want to sleep. Beyond frustrating. If anyone has any words of wisdom, please share.
I figure it's about time to put this out there and I'm pretty sure if you know me really well, you won't be surprised by any of what I have to say. I've been having a lot of issues lately. I've been working hard with my counselor to determine who I really am and what brings me true joy in life and it's been surprising, frustrating, difficult, fun, exhausting, enlightening, exciting and hard....to sum it up in a few words. I spent some time in Puerto Rico back in March and finally got back into doing some writing while I was out there. It wasn't anything long and certainly not anything particularly newsworthy but it made me feel good. I enjoy writing. When I was young I used to write short fiction stories on my mom's computer whenever I had free time and though a lot of them remained unfinished, they were always fun for me and surprisingly effortless to compose. Blogging has never quite been the same as my true writing and I've been working hard t
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