Burn the Past

One of my old pastors used to say "God gave you two ears and one mouth so you could listen twice as much". I've always been a pretty decent listener. I was always in the top 5 during games of Simon Says and with a mother like mine, you needed to do your best to prevent her repeating herself. But one area where I really struggle is listening to what God says to me and what direction to go in my life. I'm a control freak. There, I said it. There have been times in my life where I've had to schedule not only when I would have free time but what I would do during said free time. I've literally put "watch tv" on my calendar. So is it any surprise that when someone says to "let go and let God" I have trouble leaving my entire life and existence to someone other than myself? Not only that, but someone who isn't a someone at all? To someone I can't see, don't understand, don't know how to listen to and just have to have blind faith even exists? It's rare that I talk about God or spirituality and while I firmly believe that everyone's relationship with the higher power is their own I no longer think mine needs to be a secret.

On Sunday we went to a new church as I'd been looking for one nearby for quite some time. I finally got up the courage to go and wow, did I need to be there! The sermon was exactly what I needed to hear. "I'll never be able to see what God has in front of me, if I keep looking at what's behind me." If that doesn't sum up my life. I spend an insane amount of time beating myself up over my past. I'm embarrassed of who I am today because I can only see the mistakes that have gotten me here instead of remembering the triumphs. I shy away from people and experiences and communities because I rely on past experiences to tell me who I should be and what to expect. I've had bad church experiences, so all churches must be bad, right? I've been burned by coworkers before so I shouldn't get to close to anyone, right? I've tried new things before and they didn't work out so I should probably stick to the familiar. But that fear and cynicism and judgment are what's keeping me from the life that God has in store for me. "In order to fully embrace a new life, you must be willing to let go of the old one" (paraphrasing here, work with me). If I want this life, the one that I truly feel is at my fingertips (a happy, loving marriage, a satisfying and fulfilling career and eventually at least one successful adoption) I have to let go of my old judgments, behaviors and worries.

I have no idea where this post came from tonight or what I meant to accomplish but I already feel a lot better than I did when I started. If you'd like to watch the sermon that now means so much to me check it out on the YouTube below: