Do you ever just wake up, take a big breath of fresh air and feel totally grateful to be alive?
Ok, so I don't. But I also don't wake up wishing I hadn't anymore and that is certainly something to be grateful for. You see, I went through a very long, very dark phase in my life where every day was not a blessing, I couldn't enjoy a pretty day and I begged the earth to swallow me whole. I had things on the horizon and did a pretty damn good job of faking every normal human emotion so no one knew what was going on. The only one I didn't have fooled was myself and unfortunately at that time, mine was the only voice I heard and the only opinion that mattered.
Without going into detail I'll just say that there was a point when I hit rock bottom. And as I sat there and finally felt solid ground under me I realized that I was no longer falling. What was more important was I realized the true benefit of rock bottom, the ability to put your feet on the ground. When I was no longer falling, no longer flailing and allowed myself to hit the bottom it allowed me to feel what I needed to feel, cry as much as I needed to, yell as loudly as I could and feel totally empty. Do you know what's great about that? I released all I needed to and for the first time in years planted my feet and stood up. I felt solid and strong. My legs were supporting me and I finally had the ground and stability I needed to walk and eventually run to where I needed to be.
If you're wondering what I'm talking about, don't worry. I'm not entirely sure either. But what I do know is that for the first time in my life I'm actually happy to be alive every single day. Even when my life is bad, it's still great. This isn't one of those "and then I found God" or "running changed my life" posts because I'm not going to try to explain or give credit for the change. I don't want to or care to because all that matters is that it happened. For whatever reason.
If you feel like you're sinking, falling, flailing or failing, I invite you to let it happen. Let your butt crash into the ocean floor because once you're down there hopefully you'll see that it's not as bad as it seems. When the worst thing you thought could happen happens and you're still there to tell about it, what else is there to be afraid of. Take your time standing back up because when you're at the bottom you'll have the ground to steady you.
So there's your break from my normal blah blah marathon blah. Maybe it wasn't worth the read and if so, I'm really sorry to waste your time. As an apology, here's a picture of my dog and cat.