Shutting it Down

I came here to write my very last blog post.

This will  not be my last blog post, but I did have a bad moment recently...like an hour ago.

Allow me to explain.

Do you remember this post when I explained the ever-present inferiority complex I often find myself battling? Well it's been rearing its head more and more often lately and I'm blaming the stress fracture (which is hurting less and less each day! hooray!). Today was a bad moment. After spending most of my afternoon watching Ironman videos and putting a mere 20 minutes in on the bike I was feeling down. I've been obsessing over Ironman Louisville for the past couple of weeks which you likely know if we're friends IRL. For some reason it crept into my brain that I should go for it in 2014 instead of my original plan of 2016...which turned into 2015.

Long story short, I've asked my lovely friends and family repeatedly to talk me out of it. Tell me why I shouldn't do the Ironman! I even googled it. Nothing seemed to work, no answer was good enough. Other than the one in my head, that I couldn't do it. I wasn't fast enough or fit enough or good enough. If my love of endurance sports has taught me anything, it's that none of those things matter and more importantly, none of them are true. But what does matter and what is true is being able to convince yourself. It's ok to say you're crazy or you're slow. It's even ok to say you aren't fit enough...yet. But "I can't do it" is the recipe for self sabotage. Until you can convince yourself that the goal isn't too big, it always will be too big.

I'm not ready for the Ironman. Not yet. I desperately want to be but in the same way it took me years before a second marathon seemed reasonable I'm not going to rush another monumental goal. I'm not going to downplay Raleigh like I've been doing. Raleigh is good enough and I guarantee it will be a challenge. I spend too much time playing with comparisons. Raleigh is my race, just like every other race is. I have never raced for anyone else and it's not time to start doing it now.

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The Colonel is great with me during these moments when I'm sulking that 70.3 isn't a big enough goal. That anyone can do it. That the people who are proud of doing it are all faster than me and fitter than me and better than me. They're allowed to be proud of themselves. But not me. He took me into our office/spare bedroom/Chloe the Cat's bedroom and showed me every one of my medals on my hanger. He grabbed the first one on the end and I immediately smiled. The Disney Princess Half Marathon! I told him all about the race. Talked about the trip, meeting Ali from The Biggest Loser, the humidity, pictures of Mulan, the works. He moved over to the next one. Oh. My. Gosh! The Ohio River Open Water Swim! Again, I recapped it, laughing and even feeling that drop in my stomach from remembering how I felt stepping into the water. We continued on in the same fashion, picking up a medal and me smiling and talking all about the race. I even got to reminisce on my very first 10k, how hard it felt, how fun it was to make that turn into the finish, to be the person running the longer distance race for the first time and I was happy with the memories. That is why I race. Racing is about the experience. My experience.

So I'm going to continue blogging, even if nobody reads. I'm going to continue to make a big, silly fuss over my plans and my accomplishments even if they seem small to everyone else. Even though I'm slow. Even though I'm not the most fit. Even though I'm crazy.