I apologize if we experience some radio silence here coming up. I've had a few people ask me to write about my new coach, Ironman training and general life-isms but to be honest, I'm just not in a good place right now. My mind isn't where it needs to be to write fun and engaging posts and instead of trying and coming up with a bunch of awkward jokes at my own expense, I might just take the vow of silence. If you have nothing nice to say right?
I've written before about my struggles with depression and it's unfortunately not something that just goes away. You don't need to worry, I'm not in any danger, I'm not falling down the rabbit hole and in general I'm doing really well, but I'm not in my happy place and that's something I'll just have to accept for right now and know that it will improve.
One of my main goals when signing up for Ironman and partnering with the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance throughout my training was to show people that mental illness doesn't mean you can't do things and sure as hell doesn't mean you don't want to do things. But it does add an extra level of difficulty and I want to be totally honest about that. I do hear, "You're training for Ironman! Aren't you so excited???!!!!" and most days I am. But then I have days like today where it seems too great. It seems like not only can I not do it but that I don't deserve to. I don't deserve the elation that comes from accomplishing a goal so big.
I don't remember who said it, but I recently read a quote saying something like if you're depressed you're living in the past and if you're anxious you're living in the future. I have experience with both but do spend more time in the past. I have a hard time not feeling guilt. About everything. There are days I feel such intense guilt over what I've eaten or said throughout a day or week that I can't sleep. I feel this constant need to repent and apologize but when the apologies get irritating to those close to me, I feel the need to apologize more. It's a slippery slope but with the help of organizations like DBSA, my counselor and my family I've managed to stay out of the deep end.
I ask for your patience and understanding throughout this potentially tricky time. I'm working hard to re-evaluate my life and make time to take better care of myself. Please feel free to visit my giving site to learn more about my experience and motivation. If you feel like you may need help or just an ear to listen, check out the support group finder to find people near you. I am so lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life to help me keep things in perspective and hopefully soon everyone will be as lucky as I am.
Happy New Year all! Resolve to be kind :)