It is with a very heavy heart that I make an announcement. Because this is where I spend so much time recapping my races and weight loss struggles and successes, it seems that this is where the announcement needs to be made. I told The Colonel earlier this evening when I got home from school close to tears and I need to make it official before I change my mind.
I will not be doing an olympic triathlon this year.
Sounded much more serious than that, didn't it? Well all joking aside, it is serious to me. In my mind, I'm now a quitter. I'm a wimp. I'm giving up on my goals and soon will start giving up on all of them. This isn't the case of course but for now it's really hard for me to be rational. I am a goal setter and rarely has there ever been a goal I didn't *eventually* reach. So for me to seriously and actually "give up" is heartbreaking. I'm also abandoning my quest to lose 40 more pounds this year. It would be great if it happened, but I can't handle having that as a goal right now. For now, we'll focus on maintenance.
As you know, I started graduate school this month. What you may not know is that my background is not in anthropology and because of this, pursuing a masters degree in the field is really really difficult for me. I don't have any of the knowledge that comes with studying it during undergrad so it is extremely difficult for me to grasp concepts when the writer has made assumptions regarding what theories and scientists we already know. Long story short, I'm struggling. As of now I'm still working (though very part time) and so my typical day looks something like this:
- Wake up and workout/study
- Race home to shower, eat and get dressed
- Go to work for a few hours
- Eat and study/workout again
- Go to class
- Come home and eat and study/read until I fall asleep
This current schedule doesn't look like a lot but it's not giving me enough time to do all the things I need to do. I read at least 2 full books a week and am now getting into papers, presentations and teaching.
I started racing years ago because it was fun and you got a tshirt. I restarted racing because I needed a reason to be proud of myself. I needed something to be proud of. After college I felt like I had nothing. I had gotten a degree and completed the marathon and those had been my goals for the 4 previous years. Since then I've had a hard time finding purpose in my life. When I decided to do a triathlon and start racing again it gave me goals and things to be proud of. It was a way of telling myself that I was good for something. That I could do anything. And to give that up is devastating to me and my ego. But I've got to be able to work towards a greater goal again. My masters degree comes first and it just has to be that way.
An olympic tri doesn't sound like much. I had an Ironman at the pool today tell me it wasn't much and that it wasn't a big deal. But to me, even the small amount of time (relatively) that it requires to train is time I don't have to spare. Last week I learned to balance my readings while on my bike trainer and it was wonderful. I also used the elliptical and walked on the treadmill this week while reading and it was great. But if I'm going to seriously train for races, I'll need to do a lot more than an hour of walking. I can't afford the time away from my studying that I'm taking now with swimming and long runs. Regardless of how long or short the swim, I can't take my books with me. I can't read and run on a treadmill or I get dizzy and outside...well, duh. You can't run and read.
I still plan to race this year. I'm still doing the Disney Princess Half (in one month! eek!). I'm still doing the Triple Crown and the Derby Festival mini. But I will likely only race sprint tris and will "train" on a much smaller scale. I just simply can't load up my plate at this point and the last thing I want to do is have training become another thing I have to do. That's what happened with the marathon and I still haven't recovered.
I hope you all don't think less of me and I hope you'll still read *when I find time to write*. I hope you won't tell me how so and so has kids and is way busier than me and still manages to find the time. I hope you won't tell me I'm making excuses. Trust me, I'm already telling myself that. Please leave some positivity if you're feeling up to it, I could use all the help I can get right now!