Have any of you noticed the life crisis I'm currently in the midst of? Have I hidden this at all? I mean, I probably didn't hide it so well in this post...maybe it's become more apparent through my lack of posts. Or maybe not. Maybe you've all been under the impression I'm doing great which would be awesome but highly unlikely. Truth is, I am doing alright. But it's a fine line I'm constantly teetering on. Yesterday I went to look at cars with my mom since I'm considering a new one. It was a pretty awful and terrifying experience. One I'm definitely not ready for. My mom then said, if you think this is bad, wait until you buy a house. And here comes the depression. I think about buying a house pretty close to 50 times per day. I have dreams about painting walls and not having my dog bark every time the neighbors run up and down the stairs. I imagine a fence where I can go outside and play with her and gardens and landscaping. I feel the pride of actually owning something worth being proud of and of finally being an actual adult.
None of those things are happening. None of those things are even close to happening. On Tuesday one of my bestest friends had her baby and is officially a mom. Although I guess she was a mom before that? I don't know how you mommy types classify it. Anyway I went to visit in the hospital on Wednesday and was full on freaked out by how tiny her baby was/is. I know they're all tiny but when you're in a room with one they're even tinier. So in true form I stood across the room pressed against some piece of furniture tilting my head to actually see her. I was lucky enough to have my other bestest friend there with me for support but then I just felt silly since everyone was just picking up baby like it was no big deal and I wanted to bolt out the window. So what is wrong with me? The baby was really cute and wasn't crying or really moving all that much. So why can't I just hold a baby? Commence beating myself up for my inner freakdom. I called my mom later and she informed me that she had never really held a newborn until she had one. Well that's comforting. My freakness comes from my mother. (Love you Mom!) But it didn't do much to make me feel normal.
Thursday I went to work which is really just a gig and that reminded me that I don't actually have a job. Resume beating myself up. Who just quits their job? I know, I know, I'm in grad school. And since I'm
stupid not well versed in anthropological theory it's really really really hard. I suck am not doing great in school. Although I have practically no grades or anything to base this conclusion on, I'm still fairly certain it's accurate.
Which lead to yesterday's complete breakdown of my friend has already become a teacher, wife and mother and she's younger than me, I'm terrified of buying a car, oh yeah, and I'm unemployed and working on a degree in a field I know nothing about. It was pretty rough. I felt like trash. So I ate trash. Then felt like a larger pile of trash. Then got in bed for 2+ hours in the early evening, covered my head and pretended not to exist. The Colonel was very accommodating by completely ignoring me. He did for a brief moment try words of wisdom but I think we all know how that ended. So after wallowing for a few hours I managed to drag myself back downstairs and eat another ice cream sandwich. Then I ate some chips. Then The Colonel made an actual dinner which I also ate but didn't cook because I was too busy wallowing. Things improved slightly by the end of the night because I watched Hell's Kitchen. And that always makes me feel better about myself because they're also chasing their dreams but being screamed at by an angry Brit and laughed at by much of America in the process. Luckily, nobody is watching my attempt at life.
But now I'm just sort of stuck. I have no interest in working out, (did I mention I worked out 7 days last week and barely 3 this week...or that I haven't lost more than 2 pounds since December?) or cleaning my home or really doing anything at all. Working on schoolwork makes me cry and I'm really to that point where I have no one to talk to. It's tough. I'd like to think I'm cleaning out my closet today, both figuratively and literally but I do fear it could send me into another fit when I find a bunch of cute clothes I never got rid of from when I was young and hot. I'd like to be able to combat that by also getting rid of the clothes that are now 3 sizes too big, but I somehow doubt that will happen in my current negative and pitiful state of mind. But I'm optimistic I'll come out of it soon. My digestive system hopes so because I no longer want to eat anything at all.